Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
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Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Not even remotely sorry.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?