There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
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*cough*
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Remember folks 😂
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
broke down and did it