If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
waiting for halloween be like:
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?