I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
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I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I hate my earbuds.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job