WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
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Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Message from the dog groomers
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.