whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
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In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
are there any atheist mantises?
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
We’ve all been there…
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow