*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on