*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
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wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
💯😂
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”