My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
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[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?