Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
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Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
This is my pinned tweet
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin