What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
They must have gotten it to go.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.