Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
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Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I found your tweet-up…
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.