If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
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I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
A friend helps you before you need it
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.