scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
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4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”