One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
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Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.