hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
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This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude