My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.