I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
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Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”