How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
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Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it