Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
🤣🤣
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
satan: not today, microsoft teams
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
The news in a nutshell.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake