*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
You Might Also Like
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans