Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
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Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!