Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
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I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me