Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’