What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
this could fix me
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.