One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
You Might Also Like
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.