a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me: