I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
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Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
i wish i could marry a nap
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I only say stupid things when I talk.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are