I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
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Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.