Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
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ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥