the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
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Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot