Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
The “baby” on the left….
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!