I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.