I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
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If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
best first i’ve ever seen
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.