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Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Good morning, Twitter x
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
figuring out my emotional availability:
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!