I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
translated into Canadian
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit