every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
You Might Also Like
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later