Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
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I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
my fav colour is also hitler
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
sir, my pâté if you please
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.