why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
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Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.