You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
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Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-