Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
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[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Breaking news:
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*