i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.