Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
vegan witches, happy halloween!
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”