If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
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[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Monday
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.