I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
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People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me irl
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.