Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
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doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
#inspiration #foodforthought
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS