my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
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Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Banana is the quietest snack
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me too
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low