A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
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People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
My dress code is business-casualty.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Husband of the year 😂