Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
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Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.