*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
What number SPF blocks people?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.